Letter To Sarah

Good Morning,

I don't have any answers. I don't know if yours are "right", or "right for me", but they aren't finding a foothold in my chasm. They slip right into the dark below. I'm not able, at the moment, to conceptualize God in that way. My coffers are empty. It's time for me to go back up the mountain. I'm seeking genuine revelation. The kind that blasts you apart and puts you back together according to a higher plan, or a better blueprint. I think I'll have a lot to share, very soon. But right now, speaking honestly, I'm destitute and adrift.

There is a story, I think it's a Sufi story, maybe you've heard it. I can't recall the particulars (universals, rather, are my strong suit), but it's similar to the parable in the Bible of the two men praying. You recall: The first man thanks heaven that he is not like other men, full of corruption, etc. The second beats his breast and asks forgiveness for his sins. Jesus says the prayer of the second is more fitting. I'm not always so sure. Perhaps there's a time to every prayer under heaven?

Anyway, the Sufi story goes like this: One man is thanking heaven for the gifts he has received, -- specifically, for the insight he's received into the wisdom of heaven. The second is crying out for more. His prayer might be expressed like this: "My cup runneth over, Lord, but still I thirst. My wisdom is like blindness compared to Thee. Thou hast shown me many wonders along the way, but the path has led me here, to the brink of an abyss. Lord, grant me wisdom like wings, that I may soar over the deep places of the earth. Lord, give me more of You; only You!" Again, the story ends with the assertion that the latter is more pleasing to God. But I don't know.

The shamans say we need entheogens to open to spirit. I mean really open. Like John of the Cross. Like Teresa. They say this is especially true for people living in industrialized societies. They say it is absolutely true for Americans. And most of all, for men. Our egos are fortresses, surrounded by so many ramparts. Even the philosophies we share, coin, buy, or barter, with the purpose of freeing us, just get turned to the service of our egos. We need strong medicine, they say. And after all I've seen and heard, I'm inclined to agree.

I appreciate your kind words of encouragement. I slipped yesterday and allowed my haughtiness to reign in me. The usual shitstorm ensued. Nobody knows how I wrestle with myself. What they say of Scorpios isn't just talk. We have a war within us, between good and evil. What one of those Chilean miners said, when he emerged, was so poignant: "I was down there with God and with the Devil. They fought over me, and God won." I wake up every morning at war. Sometimes it seems like I am a warrior, sometimes a peacemaker. Sometimes I am both; the one at odds with the other. But mostly, I am the battlefield; trampled and stained with blood. Has God created me "only" for this? To be a field of battle, where the eternal conflict, between Himself and all that He is not, takes place?

Thank you for appreciating my gifts with me. I call them mine, but I've never felt they were mine. They were entrusted to me, and I honor that trust by sharing them with the world. With you. You say that I must accept them fully. I don't know what that would entail. How do I do that, Sarah? I very much want to experience the grace you speak of. I want to see doors opening, and all the angels coming to greet me and cheer me on my way...

There is a quote attributed to Goethe, which is really an amalgam of several quotes, none of which in fact originated with him. But since this is the form in which the quotes come down to us through the popular press, and with which so many of us are already familiar, I'll site them here as one quote:

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it now. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid.”

I've always admired this, and looked to find proof of it. I think, if there is proof, and a reason for it, the proof must be found in the life of one who is "at one" with himself, at least, on a given matter; and the reason that the world seems to cooperate with him, is because he no longer defeats himself. There are no more opportunities than before, except for the opportunities that arise from the seizing of other opportunities; that is, the man now sees and embraces the opportunities which were there all along, and by doing so opens the door to further opportunities. This is an instance of light attracting light. But there is another law, contradictory to this one, which we have already touched upon.

Here is how I see, and would express it: A well-lit man goes out to meet the darkness. By "turning the other cheek", some enemies are converted to friends, while other, far more sinister, enemies are made. And this is what has always terrified me, Sarah. The apprehension that, the closer we follow Christ, the sooner we reach the cross. What is that Antonio Porchia quote? "Suffering is above, not below. And everyone thinks that suffering is below. And everyone wants to rise." We all place our faith in the resurrection, as if that would "save" us from the crucifixion. But the words of Kierkegaard, perhaps, ring louder than any others: "Christianity is a demand, not a consolation."

I speak of Christ, but not of Mary, and I suppose this is the very substance of my affliction; my guilt. For I have said that Mary is mercy, and the purest consolation. Mary is not a call. She, perhaps even more than The Holy Spirit, deserves the appellation "comforter". She does not call us to follow Her. She does not set "heavy burdens and grievous to be borne" upon our shoulders, and bid us heave them up the hill to be a sacrifice for all the world. She is not The Christ. But it may be that She is the guide of all of us who are yet unfit to follow Him. She is "milk for babes", and He is "meat for strong men". I look to Her, increasingly, because I am ashamed to look Him in the eye.

You are one of His treasures. I know that much.

Thank you again for being a friend,

Samuel